Okay, I can't sleep. I just feel sick to my stomach and I keep thinking about this so I thought I'd write it down and get it out. So, what better a place to do this than my blog?....
Tonight I was making dinner and the TV was on and something was brought up about DNA and Emily asked me what that was. I was trying to explain it and was saying something about how that everyone has unique DNA and that is a part of them that no one else has- everyone is different and she says that she gets it (in hindsight I think she was thinking something along the lines of personality) because she said, "yeah, like hannah's the exciting one and I'm boring?" and I said, "What?" ( I coudn't believe she just said that) and she said, "People call Hannah skinny bones and me fatty pig and they say that she's the exciting one and I'm boring" I couldn't believe what she was saying and I said "Who?" and she said- "lots of kids at school, like some of the kids in my class, and some of the Mexicans and some of the sixth graders. You know, lots of kids." I then said, "hannah, have you ever heard people say things like that?" and she said, "yes, all the time, people always try to say our differences because we are twins" I couldn't believe it. I can't believe how mean kids are. First of all, yes, Emily is a little bigger than Hannah. She always has been. She's about an inch taller, wears a 1/2 size bigger in shoes and weighs about 3 pound more, but by no means is fat. Second, boring? What does that mean? Emily and Hannah have such similar personalities and are so close. They are trully best friends. They do have little differences, but it totally bugs me that everyone since they were little always asked things like (perfect strangers mostly) "who's the bad one? or who's the hard one?" That always bugged me and does even more now because of course everyone whether they are a twin or not has a bad day once in a while. So the whole trying to distiguish the good/bad twin totally bugs me. No one ever says in a family of kids "whose the bad child?" to a parent when they are walking around the mall or something.
But back to the name calling....That is what breaks my heart even more. It probably hits home to me even more because I was always the "chubbier" of my sisters and although I wasn't fat, (like Emily) I was bigger than my sisters and I aways felt like I was fat because of it. It's a horrible thing to be self conscience (sp?, it's late and I can't think) and I just don't want that for my sweet girl. I really can't put into words the emotions I feel about this and how I just want to protect her. I wish I could shield her from this. I hope this isn't something that is an issue, but I'm afraid it will be. Even if she doesn't feel self consceous (okay I really can't spell right now) on her own about being a little bit bigger than Hannah I'm afraid with people (kids) always putting it in her face it will make her start to be self conscious about it. She probably will always be a little bigger (she was born that way) and who cares, but if people constanly compare it and bring it up as a bad thing then it is inevitable that she'll feel bad about it. And I hope it doesn't cause her to have issues. I don't know, maybe I'm reading into this too much, but I don't think so because I think that it just gets harder as you get older and go though the teenage years. I really don't know what to do to shield her and help her always feel good about who she is. I really don't want her self-esteem to be effected. Any suggestions?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
18 comments:
Kids are so mean and it's so sad that kids suffer from mean kids. I dread the day when one of my "babies" are hurt from other kids. I wish we could protect them from things like this. I feel they'll sadly experience these sort of things and the best thing we can do for them is what you're doing now; giving them a loving home environment that they can feel loved and know they can talk to you about these things. Other than that I'm not sure what else we can do, but pray for them!
ok lets find those kids so i can smack them so hard! that makes me so sad! i'll make sure i compliment emily more now! i cant believe some kids!
That is so sad...I feel so bad... Like jenny said...as long as they are getting lots of love, compliments, and positive reinforcement at home that will only help them to be stronger and more able to deal with the stuff that happens outside of the home.
Would it make a difference if they were in different classes at school, so that they could have some sort of separate identities? And not always paired up?? I don't know this is a hard one...
Kids can be so mean! You don't even know what I went through having red hair and freckles. Elementry age kids are the worst! As I got older it got so much better...but the age that the girls are in right now is the worst part whe it comes to name calling and teasing...so it will get better. (at least that's my experience)
I totally understand what you are feeling. Katie has had the same issues with weight and although she's "popular" (School treasurer, lots of friends etc.) people always seem to have to try and bring the "good" kids down to make them feel better. As a parent it really hurts cuz you know how it feels. That's one of the reasons I put Katie in Karate. It has really help her confidence and sticking up for herself. Plus I figure she can kick thier butts if she needs to...(Of corse only if they start it or she's sticking up for another person). Don't mess with Katie!!!
I didn't read everyone's comment, (so forgive any repeat suggestions). My first thought was that maybe if they were in different classes they would have different friends who would get to know them as individuals instead of Twins. Also, you might try to have them develop positive differences - like one takes dance while the other focuses on singing or something. Then when people want to know something to distinguish them, they can say "Oh, She's the ballerina and she's the singer!" or dress differently to suit their personality, etc.
Unfortunately, kids are mean. I think that girls at this age are particularly bad because they have a lot of anxieties themselves and try to cover them up by putting others down. Maddy had a "friend" who would tell her things like, "you need to take singing lessons" or try to talk Maddy out of doing special things at church becuase she lacked the confidence to do them. It made Maddy start to feel more self concious and question her doing things in front of others. I sat her down and talked to her about how people who feel bad about themselves try to make others feel bad too. I explained to her that only oppinion that matters is her own. If she likes singing, then she should sing or anything else that makes her happy. Unfortunately this year she has had a lot of experiences that have taught her how to be choosy about friends and to not let other peoples oppinions or lies get you down. I can only immagine how much all this must be magnified by being a twin. I think the best thing that you can do is help each of them feel positive about themselves. Encourage them to play with kids that lift them up, not bring them down. And most of all, just be there to listen to each of them individually if they have a problem, concern, or even to the good things. Every kid needs to know that someone thinks they are the greatest!
I am so sorry your going thru this. I too would probably be up late worrying about it. This kind of thing makes me so mad. I just don't understand why kids are sooooo mean! I wish there was a shield for the kids that don't deserve this. You seem to be such a great Mom. I think you are doing what you can do to help her. Loving home, compliments, etc. Hopefully this will pass over, and she will not have to deal with these kiddos that are bothering her.
I have the same problem with madison and tayler. Tayler has always been the bigger one. She was born bigger and has stayed that way. With four girls i have always made sure weight was never an issue at home!when kids or anyone says something we talk about the good in us who's opinion really matters. and the personality thing, one is probably more out going in different situations not that one is boring and one is not. again madison and tayler shine in different social settings.
you were so close how could i not send you something...
email me your address
pinkeverythingpink@yahoo.com
Perhaps it's time for a mommie/daughter date with just you and Emily. You guys could go out, have your nails painted, a little snack, and have some girl talk. A little special time where you can talk about it and help her deal with it. Odds are your mothers intuition is right and she's really internalizing these comments so now's your chance to "speak her love language" meaning how does Emily show love? Like Chelsie likes to make me things and Bethany likes to put on a fashion show for me to watch and praise her and Chris likes it when I don't buy him things, but make something of mine own time and talents, I like it when people serve me by doing the dishes or cleaning up the house. Those are our love languages. Do something just for Emily and decide wether or not Hannah should help out too. Perhaps something special to hang on her wall so when she has a bad day and people are mean, she can come home and look at the picture and know she is loved. Service toward someone else, perhaps even someone who was rude to her can also help her change something negative into a postive and maybe even win a new friend in the process. (she can learn about the Atonement this way too) While we can't protect our kids from everyhting (I sure wish we could) we can give them coping techniques to help them get through especially when we're not right there with them. I hope this helps. Your girls are wonderful!
Goodness, that is awful. I am so sorry.
missy
what in the world?? they look EXACTLY the same??? i agree with putting them in separate classrooms..im always amazed the kids are only friends with the kids IN their classroom-you'd think on the playground they mix it up..but they dont..they only play with whoever is in their actual class..so that might make a big difference right there..
i also agree with more one on one time..i do donuts or frozen yogurt..
id also agree with finding something that each of them can do differently..and something they can do together (my rachel is really good at drawing and draws all the time, my sarah is a singer and sings all the time) but together all of them are in cheerleading which has been HUGE for them too
you must feel so crushed..i cant imagine the emotions you are having right now..
update again already!!
new blog, new blog, new blog,
new blog, new blog, new blog.
get the message?
Hi, I linked over from Super Cool Mom.
I wrote a post a couple of days ago, about some kids who were being mean to my daughter, so this has been on my mind a lot.
The one thing that has really helped me is just praying really hard about this specific problem, and then listening. I feel like I've really gotten some ideas, very specific to my daughter, that are really helping her.
Good luck! I'm so sorry.
This is the 1st time I have read your blog. I just clicked over from supercoolmom. This is the first post I read! I totally agree with you. I can simpathize because I have 4 girls and my oldest are twin girls. People do treat them differently and have a hard time not comparing them to each other. I have tried really hard to be very open with my girls aboout it and prepare them for this kind of thing. One is always going to be a little bigger or different in some way than the other. Why do they have to bring a negitive attention to it? You have every reason to be bugged! I think it is a good thing they are talking about it with you. You will set them straight and teach them to stand together against these mean things that come a them. They will be stronger for the things they learn from hard things like this. Mom's know best. I hope things get better. Hope you don't mind me stopping by.
Hi
I was just surfing the web to help me deal with my own child hood issues with mean girls. I just wanted to comment and let you know that I am 30 years old and I am trying to work through what mean girls did to me all my life from 4 years old to High school. I want to tell you that it is so important for them to be loved by you the mother and teach them how to love themseleves know matter what any body tells them give them the self esteem they need to get through it. I went through the rough time all by by self.It would have been eaiser for me to get through it. Also, I am so so so glad your daughter told you. I kept my issues with these mean girls a secreat for years. I actually did not talk about it until I got into college. I now have issues with food and eating disorders that will be with me for the rest of my life. Your daughter is a beautiful gift from God make sure she believes that forever.
Unfortunately, parents do not teach their children empathy anymore. And it's not only happening with girls. I have a son, who is very athletic, popular, and just all round a great kid. It bothers him when kids at school are mean to anyone. I have taught him to make sure that if he sees or hears others being mean, he should stick up for them. Have your girls join sports. It gives them the best confidence.
Post a Comment